Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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