i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
