he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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