Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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