the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
