remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
