I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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