I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
