guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
