i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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