So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
