i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
