she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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