So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
