i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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