Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
