is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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