she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
