there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
