Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
