Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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