So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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