I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
