if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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