I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
