I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
