He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
