I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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