A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
