90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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