i already hear my dad disowning me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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