Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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