I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
