I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
