The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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