Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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