Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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