I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
