I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
