I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
