so that wasnt chicken after all
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
