I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
