I puked a lego.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
