'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
