Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
