my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
