The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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