Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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