I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize