Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize