Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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