the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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