life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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