everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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