Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
