Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
