I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
