I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
