Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
