she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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