woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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