So drunk its hurt
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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