There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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