I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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