I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
